Do not buy Air Filters for a Christmas Gift: A Cautionary Tale

Imagine this: you work for weeks to find the perfect gift for your wife for Christmas. You visit multiple stores, do your online research, and purchase with confidence, knowing she’s going to absolutely love the nicely wrapped gift you have in hand.

As Christmas draws near, you wait anxiously. She’s going to adore it, you just know it!

Finally, Christmas morning breaks, cold and clear, and you run down to the tree together, two kids in a candy store. You pluck your precious gift from beneath the tree and place it in her waiting palms. “What is it?” she asks, doe-eyed.

“Just open it,” you say.

As she pulls the ribbon from the box, your heart thuds against your chest. Best husband of the year award goes to you – without a doubt. Suddenly, though, your reverie is broken by a shrill scream. It’s not a scream of joy.

“Air filters?” she demands, “you bought me air filters for Christmas?”

Darn it!

While air filters are many things – functional, useful, and practical – they are not romantic, and they will not make a good Christmas gift for your lovely wife. Husbands, take heed. This cautionary tale is for you.

The Aftermath of the Great Air Filter Debacle of 2016

Get your precious wife an air filter for Christmas and you’ll surely face a host of difficulties in the following weeks and months. While there are dozens of fates that may befall you, here are a few of the most common:

• •Weeks of the silent treatment. How does the line go? “Silent night, angry night? Nothing is calm, nothing is right?” Yeah, that’s it.

• •No sex for months. The coldest season of the year just got a whole lot chillier.

• •Christmas day arguments. There’s nothing your friends and family love more than watching you and your wife bicker over the ham during Christmas dinner. Buy her an air filter, though, and there’s no escaping it.

• •Jabbing that never ends. Say you buy your wife an air filter for Christmas this year. You’ll hear about it for the next twenty years. Think about it, brother: that’s 2036. You don’t want to make that mistake. Also, you don’t want your kid sister joining in on the “Oh, Dave got me the best gift – it was an air filter!” jokes all Christmas day.

The Husband’s Holiday Survival Guide: Avoid Air Filters at all Costs

Depending on what type of lady your wife is, there are dozens of great gifts that will bring her happiness and joy in the coming year. Get her a pair of socks, if you wish, or a new book. Maybe even some diamonds or a box of chocolates that says, “I cherish you.” Whatever you do, though, avoid purchasing furnace filters at all costs.

While it may seem like a great gift idea to you, men have died from lesser offenses, and we just couldn’t bear for you to be in that boat.